It’s true I may seem like the last person on earth you’d want to hire as your nanny, given that I am not especially fond of other people’s children. But I just read an article in The New York Times that leads me to believe that since no one really knows how to measure nanny awesomeness, or her effect on child development, for all we know, I could be an excellent nanny. According to the Times, if I am perceived as an excellent nanny, I can expect any number of perks from my well-paying employers (and frankly, those are the only kinds I’m interested in). I’ve carefully gone through the Times article and submit my qualifications below: “A nanny can increase her marketability if she can speak fluent French (or, increasingly, Mandarin).” No to both. But I can recite the Pledge of Allegiance in Latin (drunk or sober). I have performed this feat at cocktail parties in the past, and though I don’t recall the reaction, I think we can assume that people were very impressed! “A nanny can increase her marketability if she can help manage an art collection.” OK, no. I can’t do this. (I’m assuming you mean something more than Swiffing the Rembrandts in the hall.) However, if you give me $200, I will take your kid down to Dick Blick’s and I guarantee you at least one of us will have a good time. “A nanny can increase her marketability if she can ride, wash and groom a horse.” I don’t do horses. I can, however, train a unicorn to stand upright at a bar and fix you a dirty martini. (This is contingent on your finding the unicorn.) “There are the intangibles too. ‘I’m working with a phenomenal Caribbean nanny right now,’ Greenhouse says. ‘She is drop-dead beautiful. Her presentation is such that you’re proud to have her by your children’s side at the most high-profile events.'” What??!! This one sounds crazy to me. What kind of fool hires a good-lookin’ nanny? Rest assured, I am only drop-dead beautiful in poor lighting, and even then only to those who know and love me.